What is this thing called Anger?

“I feel terrible!!  I am really angry!! Why in the world did he yell at me? Why am I reacting this way? What can I do to make the hurt, the insult, the pain I feel… stop?“ Anger is an emotion. Anger has an effect on how you feel about yourself, about the world and those around you. We have all experienced feelings of anger, feelings of frustration, feeling let down, an overwhelming sense of helplessness and even outbursts of rage. We know the feeling well, the increased heart rate, difficulty concentrating, increased rapid breathing, heart palpitations, hand tremors, feeling attacked and misunderstood.

Anger reminds us that there is a problem that needs our attention and understanding and needs to be resolved.

Anger doesn’t just pop into our heads out of nowhere. In order for a person to experience anger, something had to happen to trigger the anger.

Did you lose your keys? Did you get a flat tire? Are you late for work?

We often feel angry when irritating situations cause us to feel as if we’ve lost control.

When something happens that causes the mind to recall a similar incident that occurred in the past, which resulted in either physical or emotional pain – or both  – or something that caused the person to feel frightened, threatened, abused, frustrated, upset, weakened, blocked, unappreciated or neglected; anger is the resulting response.

The brain searches its memory bank in a matter of nanoseconds in attempts to remember the lessons learned and reacts rapidly in a “fight or flight mode” searching for an appropriate survival technique. “How do I survive this threat? What can I do to stop the pain? Should I walk away? Should I yell back? Should I defend myself? Why is this happening again? Is it my fault he reacted so badly?”   All kinds of questions race through the mind. The response/reaction often results in angry outbursts of confusion, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and insults, which like before, will be stored in the memory bank as frightening, upsetting, painful emotional baggage, only to pop up again at a later date.

How can we prevent anger from creating havoc in our lives?

1.  We must remember that conflict, tension and anger are inevitable aspects in all human   relationships. Expressing anger in a calm assertive manner will help one walk away from the situation with a sense of personal power and self worth, while holding on to the anger and stuffing it will make one feel devastated, broken and sick.

2.   It is important to welcome anger and to view anger as an old friend who is looking out for us and warning us when it senses that something may be going wrong.

3.   It is important to react in an assertive manner and to use “I” to describe your opinion rather than arguing, accusing, pointing fingers, putting blame and name calling. You are merely clarifying how you feel about a situation without insulting anyone.

4.   Take responsibility for any part of an issue that you can accept as being your own. This is a first step in building a bridge to ending anger. “I can see how you might have misinterpreted what I was saying.”

5.   State what changes are necessary and suggested for the future that would help prevent and resolve future misunderstandings. “In the future, I would appreciate it if you…..”

6.   Remember, you don’t always have to be “right.”  The other person thinks he is also right. Arguing about who is right would be a no win situation.

7.   Do not become defensive.  It is important to listen to and try to understand why a person is angry, but you do not owe anyone an explanation. Responding angrily and acting defensively merely creates barriers to reaching an understanding.

8.   Brainstorm options.  Look for different options that will help resolve the issue that caused the anger. It may be necessary to compromise; thereby the anger can be released and each person gets a little bit of what they desire.

9.   Create agreements that you are comfortable with.  It is unwise to make promises that make you feel uncomfortable since they will create bitterness and anger in the future.

10.  Paraphrase and ask for clarification when an agreement has been reached.  When each party repeats what was agreed to, they ascertain that their wishes and desires and needs are understood.
Communicating effectively and controlling outbreaks of anger is simple. So take the step. Let’s   make this world a more peaceful happier place to live.