From the moment we are born, we have all sorts of inputs: inputs from our parents, teachers, siblings, playmates, school, television and movies. We are also taught rules of religion, or family beliefs and customs which are all contributing factors to who we are today and how we experience the world.

When we are born we hear the “oohs” and “ahhs” of wonderment and excitement when people see us. We are introduced to love, pride and joy as the happy parents, relatives, friends of the family and even strangers gaze in amazement at this new miraculous creation; you. We are introduced to the wonderful feeling of approval and positive attention. “Oh how cute…Oh how sweet…Look at those tiny hands and feet…Oh how I love that wonderful baby smell…What soft skin…Oh how innocent.”

Yes, those are wonderful times. And yes those are wonderful memories.

“How can you say they are memories? We were babies then. We couldn’t understand anything.”

Some scientists believe that we are actually born with memories that already exist in our genes and cells at the time of conception. How we look, the color of our eyes, the color of our skin, the texture of our hair, even our smiles are similar to one of our parents or blood relatives. Some actually feel that we have memories that go far back, back into past lives.

During the time that we are carried inside our mother’s womb, we are able to sense and feel and pick up vibrations from the outside world. This makes it possible for us to somewhat comprehend and interpret our future experiences as a real person.

From the moment we are born, all our experiences are stored in our subconscious minds, and turn into memories that will be used later on in life, as needed. Some memories are positive and others aren’t. However, we interpret experiences with the mind, the language and understanding of a child.

Most of our emotions and experiences are imprinted in our minds before the age of six, with the understanding and interpretation of a six year old. The memories pop up and give us warnings, “Watch out! Remember when a similar thing happened to you and you were so hurt, you cried and cried?  You better watch out. Don’t let that happen to you again.”

Memories are meant to help us deal with situations as we experience them and to help protect us from similar occurrences. These memories are stored and remain in our minds for a lifetime.

We must remember however, that many memories are those that were imprinted in the mind of a six year old, with the understanding of a six year old that needed to be protected and guided.

As children, we experienced different sorts of strong, painful emotions and developed reactions that remain with us, hold us back and sometimes even hurt us, as adults.

1. We learned to be afraid and to worry. Fear is a reality we created as a child and yet experience as adults. How ironic that what we fear and worry about rarely happens. We waste valuable time worrying, rather than facing the challenge and dealing with it.

2. We developed low self esteem. “What if I’m not good enough?” “I’m afraid to try, I might mess it up.”

3. We worry about the opinion of others. “Boy, I can’t believe I actually said that. I wonder if they think I’m stupid.”

Since all memories are stored in our subconscious minds, they continue to pop up in attempts to help guide us and protect us. The problem is that we are no longer children. We have had many life experiences and have learned a lot as we matured and grew older. The warnings that were crucial to a child are no longer necessary today.

So how do we put an end to negative thoughts?

There are numerous ways to deal with them:

1. If a negative voice pops into your head and makes you doubt yourself and says, “Are you crazy? You can’t do that. It’s dangerous.” You can decide to listen to the voice or not. The voice doesn’t have the last word. You can respond, with a loud clear voice, feeling confident and powerful, “Yes I can!”
2. If what the voice is saying is upsetting you, questioning what you believe, making you doubt what you know to be true, you simply listen to the voice, think about it for a moment or two and then respond to the voice and say, “Thank you for your opinion.”
3. If a negative voice pops up and says, “Boy you sure are a klutz. Something always happens to you.” You can disagree and respond using a loud, strong, confident voice, while feeling the emotion, “That’s not true!!”
4. If something at work got messed up and the voice pops up saying, “You messed up again.” Remember that there are always outside forces and events out there that contribute to the outcome. Do not take it personally. Make every effort to push taking sole responsibility for an act away from you. Respond to the voice in a strong, emphatic, forceful voice, “It’s not about only me. I refuse to take the blame. “

It is interesting to note that negative, painful, embarrassing memories, get locked into the subconscious mind and pop up more often than happy memories. They tend to overpower happy, positive memories, such as those of success, happiness, love and achievement. The reason for that is that negative situations are felt, experienced and remembered more deeply and the hurt, pain and embarrassment last longer than experiences of happiness, pride, success and achievement.

If you won the Spelling Bee you would of course be proud and happy, but since we have been taught to be modest for the most part, you might say “oh it was just a lucky guess.” We tend to downplay positive experiences so that we don’t appear to be boastful. The event is not experienced as strongly as a negative situation and therefore becomes less memorable.

What we must do from now on, is to put an end to those negative childhood voices and memories that discourage us , that make us question ourselves, that upset us and confuse us and make us feel as if we’re not good enough.

We can easily make our wonderful, positive accomplishments and experiences overpower the old negative beliefs that were formed as young children. The new voices that we create will be those of a motivating, positive, powerful adult.

Think of a wonderful accomplishment in your life… a time that you were really proud of yourself…or perhaps a time you were filled with joy… a time you achieved something important… Close your eyes and be there… See what you are wearing…. Are there people around you? They must be amazed, impressed by you…They are so happy for you…So proud of you…How are you feeling? Feel the pride, the joy, the sense of accomplishment… Make the feeling stronger and stronger… Move the picture closer and closer… Make it bigger and bigger…Allow yourself to really feel it… and with a closed fist raise your right arm and shout out as loudly and with as much positive emotion as possible, “YESSSSS!!!” Feel the wonderful feeling…Let it flow through your body, mind and soul… ”YESSSS!!!”

Remember this powerful feeling. Remember the powerful hand motion. This motion is known as a trigger. From now on, whenever something positive happens to you or you accomplish something, make that powerful fist of success and raise your arms, feel the power and yell out “YESSSSS!!!” Each time you do this, you make the trigger and the memory stronger and stronger and more memorable, thereby overpowering the negative memories that were created and stored in your subconscious mind as a child.

What do I need a trigger for? How do I use it?

What we need and want is to put an end to negative thoughts. In order to do that, we must quiet the negative thought. This is easily accomplished by using the positive trigger when and if we feel we need empowerment. Using the trigger will create a feeling of empowerment, of confidence and a knowing that you can handle it and all will be okay. Try it. Make that powerful fist of success now. Say “YESSSSS!!” It feels great, doesn’t it?

Now think of a negative thought or memory. Think about it for a few seconds. The moment you begin to feel the hurt, the pain or disappointment, make that powerful fist of success, and raise your arm up, saying loudly, “YESSSSS!!”  The hurt, the disappointment, the pain begins to decrease. It doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Remember, you possess a wonderful magical tool that will help empower you whenever you are feeling down. You have a tool with you always, which can be used at any time, to stop the negative thoughts and voices. Just make that powerful fist of success and happily yell out loud, with a sense of belief and empowerment, “YESSSS!!!”

-By: Maggie Ferenczi Ph.D., M.P.H.

Isn’t it nice to fantasize?  “I would be so happy if I lost all that extra weight.”  “How wonderful life would be if I got an increase in my salary.”  “I would be so pleased, so motivated to excel, if only I would get the appreciation and the recognition I desire and deserve for my hard work.”   “Mmmm, it would be so great if my sexual fantasies became a reality.”  Are these thoughts just a fantasy or are they a need? What is holding you back from making them a reality?

We all have legitimate needs that are important for our physical and psychological health.
Physical needs- From the day we are born we all need clean air to breathe. We need some sort of nourishment, food to eat and water to drink. We need sleep. And of course, we need shelter and clothing.

Emotional needs- We have many emotional needs that are essential to our survival. But for some strange reason, they are often overlooked, forgotten or omitted from our daily lives.

We need to love and be loved, and to have some sort of companionship… When we complete a task, a project or a chore, we need recognition and appreciation… If we do well, we need to be congratulated… And, if we mess up, we need understanding and forgiveness…We need to be respected and need to give respect… We need to remember that we are special and that nobody has the right to insult us, belittle us and call us names… We have to block the hurtful words coming at us and always need to remind ourselves that we are not the one with the problems. They are the ones with displaced anger and are projecting it on us.

Social needs- We all need time to be with others and time to be with ourselves. We need to feel that we are important in someone’s life and that we are making some sort of contribution to others.
Intellectual needs- Our minds need information, stimulation, opportunities for growth, to solve problems and to handle challenges. Our minds also need time to laugh, time to play and time to rest.
Spiritual, moral needs- We all need to have the freedom to choose our own standards of behavior and beliefs and to find our own direction and our own way in order to value the life we live. We need to search for meaning and answers, whether it is a belief in God, a higher power, the universe or a belief in mankind or love.

We all have needs that we must have met in order to survive, such as the aforementioned food, water and love. But we also have desires that are not essential for existence, but “oh how great it would be, if only…”

Even though some needs are not essential for existence, fulfilling those needs, those fantasies, would usually make you a healthier, happier, more content person. Acting like a martyr on the other hand and abandoning your wishes and dreams would only create discomfort and disappointment.
What do I do to get what I want?

1. Visualize yourself making the request and getting what you want. See yourself taking the first step. Feel the confidence. See the surprised look on the face of the person you are speaking to. You are a changed person and deserve and demand respect. It feels great to voice your desires – your needs, in a confident manner. Listen to your assertive voice. You are able to find just the right words to express your needs and get the results you require.  You feel wonderful. You feel great.

Remember this is important to you. What are you wearing? How are you standing? Look at the confidence in your body. Listen to your voice. Look at the reaction of the person you are talking to. They never expected this kind of behavior from you. They are shocked. They are actually impressed and surprised. Notice the slight smile they’re holding back on their face, in disbelief. Make the picture bigger and bigger. Bring it closer and closer. Believe you can do it. You feel great!!

2. Prior to making your move observe yourself in the mirror and listen to   your voice on a tape or MP3 to practice necessary changes required in your posture and voice.

3. Take the first step.  Decide to make your first request the least threatening reasonable “want “ you desire.

4. Be confident  Sit or stand erect and bend or move your body forward, to make sure you are close enough and have their attention.  Uncross your arms and legs and keep your hands out of your pocket. Maintain good eye contact. Speak clearly and confidently.

Remember, this is something that is important to you and you feel you want it!!   Begging, saying please, whining and being soft spoken and apologetic will ensure you do not get what you desire. Assertiveness will.

5. Ask for it- If you feel that you really want and need something, and it is important to you, remember, it is important to you, and you have the right to ask for it.

As they say with the lottery “if you’re not in it, you can’t win it.” If you don’t ask for or go after your desire, nobody will know you want it.

6. Specify exactly what you need   Requests are easier to grant when the circumstances are clear. The situation, the time, the place, the desired end result must be understood and unthreatening. Using phrases such as “I think…”  “I feel…” “From now on…”  “I want…” “When…” help you specify exactly what you need and want.

7. Keep your request short and simple and to the point. Describe what specific change, item or behavior you desire.  “I need you to notice how hard I work and remember to say “thank you, I appreciate the effort.”

People are more likely to say “yes” to a clear, simple request.

8. Be assertive. Remember that when we communicate, our bodies as well as our voices give off important messages. Are we confident or are we a wimp?

9. Mention the positive end results of being given what you desire. “When you show appreciation for my work, I am motivated to accomplish more.” “Fulfilling our fantasies can add fun to our lives.”

10. Celebrate- You’ve done it!! How wonderful. What a wonderful rewarding experience it is to be able to ask for what you want, instead of just dreaming about it.

Practice, practice, practice, voicing your needs. With a little experience, the “yeses” will come pouring in. You will notice how much happier you feel and how wonderful life can be …when you get what you want.