Asking for What you Want

Is it difficult for you to ask for what you want? Do you feel that your wishes may not be that important, aren’t valid? Are you confused whether what you desire is something that you want or is it something you need? Or perhaps, you feel that you don’t deserve to get what you want, that you are unworthy?

Isn’t it nice to fantasize?  “I would be so happy if I lost all that extra weight.”  “How wonderful life would be if I got an increase in my salary.”  “I would be so pleased, so motivated to excel, if only I would get the appreciation and the recognition I desire and deserve for my hard work.”   “Mmmm, it would be so great if my sexual fantasies became a reality.”  Are these thoughts just a fantasy or are they a need? What is holding you back from making them a reality?

We all have legitimate needs that are important for our physical and psychological health.
Physical needs- From the day we are born we all need clean air to breathe. We need some sort of nourishment, food to eat and water to drink. We need sleep. And of course, we need shelter and clothing.

Emotional needs- We have many emotional needs that are essential to our survival. But for some strange reason, they are often overlooked, forgotten or omitted from our daily lives.

We need to love and be loved, and to have some sort of companionship… When we complete a task, a project or a chore, we need recognition and appreciation… If we do well, we need to be congratulated… And, if we mess up, we need understanding and forgiveness…We need to be respected and need to give respect… We need to remember that we are special and that nobody has the right to insult us, belittle us and call us names… We have to block the hurtful words coming at us and always need to remind ourselves that we are not the one with the problems. They are the ones with displaced anger and are projecting it on us.

Social needs- We all need time to be with others and time to be with ourselves. We need to feel that we are important in someone’s life and that we are making some sort of contribution to others.
Intellectual needs- Our minds need information, stimulation, opportunities for growth, to solve problems and to handle challenges. Our minds also need time to laugh, time to play and time to rest.
Spiritual, moral needs- We all need to have the freedom to choose our own standards of behavior and beliefs and to find our own direction and our own way in order to value the life we live. We need to search for meaning and answers, whether it is a belief in God, a higher power, the universe or a belief in mankind or love.

We all have needs that we must have met in order to survive, such as the aforementioned food, water and love. But we also have desires that are not essential for existence, but “oh how great it would be, if only…”

Even though some needs are not essential for existence, fulfilling those needs, those fantasies, would usually make you a healthier, happier, more content person. Acting like a martyr on the other hand and abandoning your wishes and dreams would only create discomfort and disappointment.
What do I do to get what I want?

1. Visualize yourself making the request and getting what you want. See yourself taking the first step. Feel the confidence. See the surprised look on the face of the person you are speaking to. You are a changed person and deserve and demand respect. It feels great to voice your desires – your needs, in a confident manner. Listen to your assertive voice. You are able to find just the right words to express your needs and get the results you require.  You feel wonderful. You feel great.

Remember this is important to you. What are you wearing? How are you standing? Look at the confidence in your body. Listen to your voice. Look at the reaction of the person you are talking to. They never expected this kind of behavior from you. They are shocked. They are actually impressed and surprised. Notice the slight smile they’re holding back on their face, in disbelief. Make the picture bigger and bigger. Bring it closer and closer. Believe you can do it. You feel great!!

2. Prior to making your move observe yourself in the mirror and listen to   your voice on a tape or MP3 to practice necessary changes required in your posture and voice.

3. Take the first step.  Decide to make your first request the least threatening reasonable “want “ you desire.

4. Be confident  Sit or stand erect and bend or move your body forward, to make sure you are close enough and have their attention.  Uncross your arms and legs and keep your hands out of your pocket. Maintain good eye contact. Speak clearly and confidently.

Remember, this is something that is important to you and you feel you want it!!   Begging, saying please, whining and being soft spoken and apologetic will ensure you do not get what you desire. Assertiveness will.

5. Ask for it- If you feel that you really want and need something, and it is important to you, remember, it is important to you, and you have the right to ask for it.

As they say with the lottery “if you’re not in it, you can’t win it.” If you don’t ask for or go after your desire, nobody will know you want it.

6. Specify exactly what you need   Requests are easier to grant when the circumstances are clear. The situation, the time, the place, the desired end result must be understood and unthreatening. Using phrases such as “I think…”  “I feel…” “From now on…”  “I want…” “When…” help you specify exactly what you need and want.

7. Keep your request short and simple and to the point. Describe what specific change, item or behavior you desire.  “I need you to notice how hard I work and remember to say “thank you, I appreciate the effort.”

People are more likely to say “yes” to a clear, simple request.

8. Be assertive. Remember that when we communicate, our bodies as well as our voices give off important messages. Are we confident or are we a wimp?

9. Mention the positive end results of being given what you desire. “When you show appreciation for my work, I am motivated to accomplish more.” “Fulfilling our fantasies can add fun to our lives.”

10. Celebrate- You’ve done it!! How wonderful. What a wonderful rewarding experience it is to be able to ask for what you want, instead of just dreaming about it.

Practice, practice, practice, voicing your needs. With a little experience, the “yeses” will come pouring in. You will notice how much happier you feel and how wonderful life can be …when you get what you want.